


Hold Me And Let Me Cry

by camichats



Series: Imagine James and Sirius Prompts [105]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Married Couple, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-13
Updated: 2019-09-13
Packaged: 2020-10-18 02:30:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20631614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/camichats/pseuds/camichats
Summary: James knew that Sirius's past had left lasting marks, but sometimes he forgot just how much that affected him.





	Hold Me And Let Me Cry

**Author's Note:**

> For the prompt: "I love your writing, could you do one where Sirius is insecure and still has the habit of the ‘Blacks don’t cry’ rule? Established relationship"
> 
> Sirius's abuse is very much the topic of this fic, however nothing is ever mentioned in explicit detail <3

See, James knew that the Black family was total shite. Sirius had told him as much, and over time it became more and more obvious. Beginning of second year at Hogwarts, Sirius had been overwhelming relieved to be back when most everyone else in their year was a little homesick. It took until fourth year for him to admit that he hated his parents, and another year after that for him to let slip that they hated him just as much. He never volunteered information about just _how_ terrible they were, even to James-- and he sure as hell never mentioned anything specific to any of the other Marauders. There were still days, three years into their marriage, that James learned new and exciting ways to hate Sirius's parents. 

Like that time James was in a really bad mood because he'd slept through his alarm, hadn't had anything to eat because he'd woken up late, and was about to be late for his most important meeting of the year. He'd been cursing up a storm, leaving a mess of clothes behind him in his hurry, and he was running a hand through his hair in aggravation when he turned to say a hurried apology to Sirius. Sirius, who flinched and shrunk in on himself automatically when James's attention turned to him like he expected to be yelled at or hurt, just because James was in a piss-poor mood. 

This was like that time, only slightly better because James hadn't caused this one. It was a pale comfort though, because Sirius was upset, and there was too much going on in his head that James didn't know how to deal with. 

He knew it was going to be bad as soon as he saw the letter, because that was Regulus's handwriting on the parchment, the word 'blood traitor' standing out as clearly as if the term was popping out of the paper. "Shit," he muttered before calling, "Sirius?" 

No response. He hadn't really been expecting one, but he'd been hopeful all the same. He bit his lip to make sure he didn't call his name again. He couldn't begin to guess on how to help him, but yelling for him when he'd run away sure as hell wasn't going to make him feel safer. 

He walked to their room with the intention of changing into something more comfortable while he thought, but once he made it there, he noticed that the closet door was closed. They never closed the closet door, and he frowned slightly as he walked towards it. There wasn't a sound, but that didn't mean anything if Sirius was in there. James reached for the handle, then paused, getting down on his knees first. He opened it slowly, hoping that Sirius wouldn't panic if he had time to see it happen and to recognise that James wasn't angry or otherwise upset. 

Sure enough, Sirius was there, tucked into the corner and smashing some of his shoes because he hadn't bothered to move them. Or maybe he liked the fact that it made it uncomfortable to sit there, James didn't know. "Honey?" he said softly. 

Sirius didn't so much as twitch. 

"I'm gonna touch you, okay?" It felt like he was half-frozen with the speed he was going, but he didn't want to scare him. When James's fingers tentatively curved against his leg, he looked up. James had expected sticky cheeks and red-rimmed eyes, but there was nothing. Sirius was obviously upset, but he hadn't been crying. "I saw the letter." 

"Did you read it?" 

James shook his head. "I glanced at it, then came to find you." 

"Why?" Sirius kinda pushed at his shoulders, and James got the hint, backing up so he could climb out. "I'm fine. See?" He spread his hands, and James frowned. He had to admit that, at face-value, Sirius looked absolutely fine. He hadn't been crying, he wasn't shaking, and he didn't look scared. If it hadn't been for the fact that he was just tucked away in the closet not making a sound, James would be convinced that he was mistaken and everything was fine. 

James followed him as he walked to the kitchen for some water. "I want to believe you're fine," he said, "but if you were, you wouldn't have been hiding." 

"I wasn't hiding," he denied. 

"Then what were you doing in the closet? Rearranging your shoes? Rethinking your attraction to men?" 

"That's not funny," Sirius said. If he'd been as fine as he claimed, he would have at least chuckled. 

James put a hand on his shoulder, and while Sirius didn't tense, it was clear he wasn't happy about it. "You're allowed to be upset. It's _okay_ if you cry." He dropped his hand but stayed close. "Look, Sirius. I don't _want_ you to be upset, but it's worse if you hold it in like this." 

"I'm not holding anything in," he lied, but James could tell he was wavering. 

Instead of pushing further though, he sighed and kissed the side of Sirius's head. "Okay." 

* * *

He woke up that night to giant, heaving sobs as Sirius curled in on himself. Sirius's hands were clutching fistfuls of James's sleep shirt, and it was obvious he had lost the usual control he had over his negative emotions. James shifted to put his arms around Sirius. He was too tired to be coordinated right now, but it was enough. 

It was like a dam had broken, and Sirius didn't stop crying for a long time. By the time he stopped, he was so worked up that he was shaking, shivering in place as he tried to even out his breathing. "I can't-" he heaved a breath, clearly rattling around his throat. James winced sympathetically, doing his best to hold him tighter through sluggish limbs. 

"It's okay," James mumbled. "I've got you." 

Sirius nodded jerkily, trying to curl against James even further. 

"I've got you." 

**Author's Note:**

> This is from a prompt driven blog @[imaginejamesandsirius](https://imaginejamesandsirius.tumblr.com) on tumblr. Feel free to drop by!


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